I met Carrie Contey, Ph.D, in 2006, after my second child was born. I was interested in a) establishing a relationship with a professional with whom I could periodically check in about my parenting, and b) getting some support around welcoming a new baby into our family. The tools and attitude she gave me have been profoundly powerful. Specifically, Carrie really helped me to latch onto the idea of self-care and to fully claim that I am the regulator of my family. If I am rested, supported, and happy, my kids will be, too. If I notice that my kids are having a harder time, the first step is to look in the mirror.
My son, who was three and a half when his sister came, definitely seemed "out of control" to me at the time. I felt like I knew--from having been a kid myself and from observing other adults--what I "should" do. The fantasy in my mind about the "should" behavior involved me using a certain tone of voice, becoming increasingly threatening and punitive, and using more and more force to get my child to behave. In theory, I wasn't opposed to any of that, if that's what was really going to help. But that behavior did represent a quantum shift in how I had always related to my only child. I was concerned that he might just come to resent his sister, figuring "when you get a new baby, your mom turns into a different person." I sought out Carrie because I knew I had to do something different, but I wanted help with the transition, and also to keep my integrity, not just adopt someone else's "right" answer.
Carrie Contey has been integral to what has become my staunch commitment to never hit my kids. She helped me to see that it's a) not necessary and b) doesn't work in the long run. All of that was great news to me, because honestly? I never wanted to hit my children. Carrie gave me the tools and the permission to be the parent I want to be. Her work is about helping the grownups to control themselves so they can lead their children from a place of connectedness. It's about working out your stuff and toning down your reactivity so you can be more present and intentional with your child. All of which is right up my alley.
So naturally, I wanted to get her perspective on spanking!
1. As a professional, do you recommend spanking? Why or why not?
Oh good heavens, NO!!!! Why not? It's violent, it can erode the bond of trust that is fundamental to parent/child relationship and it doesn't actually teach the child anything about how to do things differently.
Oh good heavens, NO!!!! Why not? It's violent, it can erode the bond of trust that is fundamental to parent/child relationship and it doesn't actually teach the child anything about how to do things differently.
2. Why do you think parents hit their kids?
Honestly, I think most parents resort to hitting because the behavior the child is doing is so dysregulating to the parent's own nervous system that they enter a state of fight or flight and they are acting on a primal reaction to fear and stress. For folks who think it's a good form of discipline I believe that it's simply a response to what they learned as children. More than likely they were spanked and in some ways truly think that's how you "discipline" a child - punish the bad behavior, reward the good behavior.
Honestly, I think most parents resort to hitting because the behavior the child is doing is so dysregulating to the parent's own nervous system that they enter a state of fight or flight and they are acting on a primal reaction to fear and stress. For folks who think it's a good form of discipline I believe that it's simply a response to what they learned as children. More than likely they were spanked and in some ways truly think that's how you "discipline" a child - punish the bad behavior, reward the good behavior.
Luckily, we are learning so much more about development and parenting and many people are making different choices.
3. What's the one thing you wish more parents knew--and/or would do differently--when it comes to disciplining their children?
Human development is a long-term project that is very chaotic and challenging in the beginning (for both children and parents) because development is not linear and it is accompanied by erratic, confusing and often evocative behavior from children. It's going to trigger unconscious responses and bring up your own unresolved stuff which may lead you to doing things that you would rather not do but may not have the systems built from your own early experiences to do differently. The best thing you can do for your family's well-being is learn to use what comes up through parenting to understand yourself better, heal and grow. In doing this, you will have more compassion for the challenges of childhood and more faith in the process of development. And as a result, you will be laying the foundation for strong, respectful, loving and trustworthy family bonds that endure throughout life.
I think it would be a pretty lovely world where all people felt physically respected and safe.
Thanks for the work you are doing, Tricia!
