Friday, November 12, 2010

Calling Things What They Really Are

"When a child hits a child, we call it aggression. 

When a child hits an adult, we call it hostility. 

When an adult hits an adult, we call it assault. 

When an adult hits a child, we call it discipline." 

-Haim G. Ginott

Thursday, November 11, 2010

My Target Audience


"Mother & Child," by  Howard Weingarten

I'm not sure how old she is.  That doesn't matter.  And I'm not positive she has to be a "she."  But while I welcome dads to my blog, I imagine that my target audience is mainly moms.  I do know she has young children, and she is devoted to them.  She reads the books, she takes the time, she goes the extra mile. She is prone to experiencing the same stresses any adult does--relationship stress, financial stress, work stress, and the stress of trying to take care of herself--all while she gives so much to her family.  At times, she feels isolated and alone.

Most of the time, all goes well.  But maybe there's a change, perhaps when her child becomes a toddler.  Or a preschooler.  Sometime when, in the course of development that is absolutely normal, her child begins to exhibit behavior that "pushes her buttons."  Pushes limits.  Tests.  Maybe her child is defiant, oppositional, even excited by conflict or danger.

Probably some people around her, including her parents and in-laws, have mentioned, in passing, how different things are today, how kids don't seem to have the same rules they did in years past.  How they, or their parents, wouldn't have tolerated certain behavior like parents today seem to.  Maybe other parents compare, and comment on, the way she chooses to interact with her child.  Sometimes people might state, or imply, a certain, predictable future course for her child, based on the way they perceive her parenting.  She tunes out their opinions most of the time, because she's generally able to get her kids to do what she needs them to.

But there may come that moment.  A moment when fatigue, stress, and the normal limit-testing of a young child all align, just so.  Suddenly the pressure to get her child to behave mounts, and it's as if the volume on all of those other opinions gets louder and louder.  Suddenly she begins to question herself:  "My child is out of control.  I don't know this child, and I don't know what will work.  I need to do something different."  That mom might feel such despair in that moment, desperation even, that she is tempted to reach for a solution from someone else's tool bag, someone else's relationship.

That's when I hope that mom finds my blog.  Really, I hope she finds it long before then, because then when the moment comes, she'll already have a plan.  She'll have a set of things to say and do, while under stress, that will help her get her child back, perhaps more gently and patiently than anyone in her family has done.  A way that she can feel proud of, that is in integrity with all of those other things she's already done with her child, and that will reveal her child's ability to grow and learn, without being smacked into it.  A way that doesn't refuse the wisdom of her parents, but rather takes the best of their wisdom and also incorporates the discoveries of the past three decades' worth of research about children and brain development.

I can provide that kind of support, those kinds of tools.  Or at least I can point that mom in the right direction.  I know them because I am that mom, and I have had that moment.