Friday, January 21, 2011

From Zero to Sixty




"What has helped me lately was to figure out that when we blow up at our kids, we only think we're going from zero to sixty in one second.  Our surface and persona are so calm that when a problem begins, we sound in control when we say, "Now honey, stop that," or "That's enough."  But it's only an illusion.  In fact, all day we've been nursing anger toward the boss or boyfriend or mother, yet since we can't get mad at nonkid people, we stuff it down.  When the problem with your kid starts up, you're really beginning at fifty-nine, but you're not moving.  You're at high idle already, yet not aware of how vulnerable and disrespected you already feel."

-Anne Lamott,  Plan B:  Further Thoughts on Faith

The Old Gray Mare


I don't hit my kids.  Sometimes, when I read about people hitting kids, or I see someone whacking his/her kid in public, it seems arbitrary and bizarre to me.  Why hitting?  Why not standing on your head?  Why not jumping up and down?  Or demanding that your kid jump up and down, until he complies?


I have decided that spanking is a vestige of an agrarian time.  A time when life was hard, survival was precarious, all hands were needed to get the work done, and kids were treated like small animals.  

If the mule won't pull the plow, give her a swat.  If your child won't mind, swat him, too.  How will they learn, otherwise?

It does work!  But I don't think it is best, for the kid or for the animal.  If it worked for farm animals, why on Earth do we have tractors now?

Being A Bystander




I have moments where I think this blog isn't necessary.  Usually it's during a time when things are relatively harmonious with my own kids, and with the families I'm around.  I begin to be lulled into complacency about how parents interact with their kids.

And then I'm reminded.  

I'll be out in public somewhere--the grocery store, a restaurant, the swimming pool.  I'll see a conflict between parent and child escalating.  I see grownups acting not-so-grownup.  Most recently, it was in the restroom of a family restaurant.  Thank God my kids weren't with me.

A mom came in with a 3- or 4-year old boy.  She was using her "commanding" voice, telling him to go into the restroom stall to do his business.  Apparently, he was resisting.  Seconds later, I hear her raising her voice:  "Get in there and poop!"  Which was absurd enough for me--because if the kid was scared or shy (or constipated, even), or whatever was making him not want to go into the bathroom stall, it was hard to imagine that being yelled at would help matters.  And then, faster than I could say "Uh oh," I heard the whack, presumably on the bottom.  Again, she said, "Now get in there and poop!"


My mind was racing.  Thinking about how I might handle the situation, if it were me and my kids.  Wishing this mom could calm the heck down.  Wanting, so badly, to say something to her.  Wanting to tell her to read my blog!


But you can't.  Because if it went the wrong way, she could take it out on him even more.  Plus, it's none of my business, right?  She might think spanking is just the best.  Even if a stranger in a public restroom doesn't.

I can imagine how this mom must have felt.  She was in her work clothes, she was probably tired, probably she just wanted to get back out to her table and finish her dinner and get home.  Who knows what kind of ridiculous kid-crazy behavior had led up to this?  I can certainly relate to having a child get on my last, frazzled nerve.  I know the lunacy that is parenting, and parenting a preschooler, in particular.  Evidently, he did get in there and poop, and I saw him playing with a balloon about 10 minutes later.  All's well that ends well, right?


All I know is that she seemed like she was losing it, there in the bathroom.  I wondered about her, whether that was a "worst" parenting moment or a pretty typical one.  For me the sad thing is that I also believe her kid was losing.  In that moment, he lost the chance to have control over his body and feelings, and to have them considered by someone who can help and teach.  In a way, for a minute, he lost his mom.  Who knows what the take-away lesson was, from his perspective?

Saturday, January 1, 2011

The Right Tool for the Job


As parents, we have to influence our kids.  We have to keep them safe, teach them, create experiences for them, and structure their environment.   But how? 

It would be a beautiful life if all it took to be a good parent was to ask kids nicely.  Unfortunately, and generally speaking, kids can be distracted, tired, overstimulated, upset--and frankly, clueless.  Getting through to them can be a tall order.


So here are some ways to influence our kids, roughly in order from least coercive to most coercive.  Also in order from emotional neutrality to greater use of emotional and/or physical force.  It's not a complete list--if you notice something I've missed, feel free to comment.


1.  asking nicely
2.  asking (less nicely)
3.  asking with a sharper tone of voice
4.  threatening
5.  bribing
6.  asking with more volume
7.  withholding attention 
8.  isolating
9.  commanding
10.  shaming
11.  shouting
12. screaming
13.  hitting


My first intention is not to pass judgment on any of these methods of influencing a child.  My primary goal is to ask these questions:

How do you influence your kids?
Does the choice depend on how you're feeling, and how much support you have?
What are the good and bad things about each choice? (for the child, for you).