Friday, November 12, 2010

Calling Things What They Really Are

"When a child hits a child, we call it aggression. 

When a child hits an adult, we call it hostility. 

When an adult hits an adult, we call it assault. 

When an adult hits a child, we call it discipline." 

-Haim G. Ginott

Thursday, November 11, 2010

My Target Audience


"Mother & Child," by  Howard Weingarten

I'm not sure how old she is.  That doesn't matter.  And I'm not positive she has to be a "she."  But while I welcome dads to my blog, I imagine that my target audience is mainly moms.  I do know she has young children, and she is devoted to them.  She reads the books, she takes the time, she goes the extra mile. She is prone to experiencing the same stresses any adult does--relationship stress, financial stress, work stress, and the stress of trying to take care of herself--all while she gives so much to her family.  At times, she feels isolated and alone.

Most of the time, all goes well.  But maybe there's a change, perhaps when her child becomes a toddler.  Or a preschooler.  Sometime when, in the course of development that is absolutely normal, her child begins to exhibit behavior that "pushes her buttons."  Pushes limits.  Tests.  Maybe her child is defiant, oppositional, even excited by conflict or danger.

Probably some people around her, including her parents and in-laws, have mentioned, in passing, how different things are today, how kids don't seem to have the same rules they did in years past.  How they, or their parents, wouldn't have tolerated certain behavior like parents today seem to.  Maybe other parents compare, and comment on, the way she chooses to interact with her child.  Sometimes people might state, or imply, a certain, predictable future course for her child, based on the way they perceive her parenting.  She tunes out their opinions most of the time, because she's generally able to get her kids to do what she needs them to.

But there may come that moment.  A moment when fatigue, stress, and the normal limit-testing of a young child all align, just so.  Suddenly the pressure to get her child to behave mounts, and it's as if the volume on all of those other opinions gets louder and louder.  Suddenly she begins to question herself:  "My child is out of control.  I don't know this child, and I don't know what will work.  I need to do something different."  That mom might feel such despair in that moment, desperation even, that she is tempted to reach for a solution from someone else's tool bag, someone else's relationship.

That's when I hope that mom finds my blog.  Really, I hope she finds it long before then, because then when the moment comes, she'll already have a plan.  She'll have a set of things to say and do, while under stress, that will help her get her child back, perhaps more gently and patiently than anyone in her family has done.  A way that she can feel proud of, that is in integrity with all of those other things she's already done with her child, and that will reveal her child's ability to grow and learn, without being smacked into it.  A way that doesn't refuse the wisdom of her parents, but rather takes the best of their wisdom and also incorporates the discoveries of the past three decades' worth of research about children and brain development.

I can provide that kind of support, those kinds of tools.  Or at least I can point that mom in the right direction.  I know them because I am that mom, and I have had that moment.

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Some Kids Just Need to Be Spanked



Sometimes when I talk to grownups about my views about not ever hitting kids, they will tell me that "some kids need to be spanked."  To illustrate, they might describe a kid they know personally--maybe their own kid, who is grown up now.  Sometimes, they're talking about themselves as children.  They'll describe the child's wildness and willfulness, and perhaps even a refusal to "mind" the parents.  Often, they will compare the child to another child who responded differently to their attempts to influence. 

When confronted with a child's unsafe, annoying, or inappropriate behavior, after trying some things, adults commonly conclude that a spanking is/was THE ONLY thing that would "get through" to him. They assume that the wildness and willfulness would have continued and increased indefinitely otherwise.

When we say that something is needed, we mean that it is required, with a certain amount of urgency.  Something that is needed is the only thing that will do the job.  Like breathing, for example, or a dialysis treatment:  nothing else will do.

But if you spank a child, you don't really know if it's needed, because you will never know what would have happened if you didn't spank. You can't know what would have happened with effort, consistency, creativity, and a few weeks/months' worth of neural development. And I'm willing to bet that, once you give the "necessary" spanking, you are quicker to reach for that tool in the future. After all, it's required for that particular child. Nothing else could impact that child's behavior. Right?

Friday, August 27, 2010

Spank-less Guest: Carrie Contey




I  met Carrie Contey, Ph.D, in 2006, after my second child was born.  I was interested in a) establishing a relationship with a professional with whom I could periodically check in about my parenting, and b) getting some support around welcoming a new baby into our family.  The tools and attitude she gave me have been profoundly powerful.  Specifically, Carrie really helped me to latch onto the idea of self-care and to fully claim that I am the regulator of my family.  If I am rested, supported, and happy, my kids will be, too.  If I notice that my kids are having a harder time, the first step is to look in the mirror.

My son, who was three and a half when his sister came, definitely seemed "out of control" to me at the time.  I felt like I knew--from having been a kid myself and from observing other adults--what I "should" do.  The fantasy in my mind about the "should" behavior involved me using a certain tone of voice, becoming increasingly threatening and punitive, and using more and more force to get my child to behave.  In theory, I wasn't opposed to any of that, if that's what was really going to help.  But that behavior did represent a quantum shift in how I had always related to my only child.  I was concerned that he might just come to resent his sister, figuring "when you get a new baby, your mom turns into a different person."  I sought out Carrie because I knew I had to do something different, but I wanted help with the transition, and also to keep my integrity, not just adopt someone else's "right" answer.

Carrie Contey has been integral to what has become my staunch commitment to never hit my kids.  She helped me to see that it's a) not necessary and b) doesn't work in the long run.  All of that was great news to me, because honestly?  I never wanted to hit my children.  Carrie gave me the tools and the permission to be the parent I want to be.  Her work is about helping the grownups to control themselves so they can lead their children from a place of connectedness.  It's about working out your stuff and toning down your reactivity so you can be more present and intentional with your child.  All of which is right up my alley.

So naturally, I wanted to get her perspective on spanking! 
1. As a professional, do you recommend spanking? Why or why not?
Oh good heavens, NO!!!! Why not?  It's violent, it can erode the bond of trust that is fundamental to parent/child relationship and it doesn't actually teach the child anything about how to do things differently.

2. Why do you think parents hit their kids?
Honestly, I think most parents resort to hitting because the behavior the child is doing is so dysregulating to the parent's own nervous system that they enter a state of fight or flight and they are acting on a primal reaction to fear and stress.  For folks who think it's a good form of discipline I believe that it's simply a response to what they learned as children. More than likely they were spanked and in some ways truly think that's how you "discipline" a child - punish the bad behavior, reward the good behavior.

Luckily, we are learning so much more about development and parenting and many people are making different choices.

3. What's the one thing you wish more parents knew--and/or would do differently--when it comes to disciplining their children?
Human development is a long-term project that is very chaotic and challenging in the beginning (for both children and parents) because development is not linear and it is accompanied by erratic, confusing and often evocative behavior from children.  It's going to trigger unconscious responses and bring up your own unresolved stuff which may lead you to doing things that you would rather not do but may not have the systems built from your own early experiences to do differently.  The best thing you can do for your family's well-being is learn to use what comes up through parenting to understand yourself better, heal and grow.  In doing this, you will have more compassion for the challenges of childhood and more faith in the process of development.  And as a result, you will be laying the foundation for strong, respectful, loving and trustworthy family bonds that endure throughout life.

4. What do you imagine the world would be like if no adult ever hit a child?
I think it would be a pretty lovely world where all people felt physically respected and safe.

Thanks for the work you are doing, Tricia!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

What I Like About Parents Who Hit Their Kids


1.  They're showing up.
2.  They're trying.
3.  They have standards of behavior.
4.  They're willing to tolerate their kid's negative emotions for a greater good.
5.  I can't think of anything else I like about parents who hit their kids.  Because I think 1-4 can be accomplished without hitting.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Spank-less Guest: Robin Grille



Robin Grille's book Parenting for a Peaceful World is firmly entrenched in my list of "top parenting books."  I would even say that it is in my top three (along with Haim Ginott's Between Parent and Child and Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate's Hold Onto Your Kids). 

PPPW's main thrust is that, throughout human history, every advancement in democracy, social justice, and nurturing of the environment has been preceded by an improvement in the treatment of children.   Drawing on the work of psychohistorian Lloyd De Mause, Grille recounts the history of the world as reflected in how children have been treated. 

The descriptions in the historical part of the book are not an easy read--children are and have always been inconvenient, and as such, they have been routinely abandoned, neglected, and dismissed.  Even worse, children have been (and still are) used, abused and enslaved.  Such treatment arrests a chiild's maturational process, shapes the adult he/she becomes, and impacts the way he/she relates to others.  But as we have grown in our understanding of children's development and needs, we have also grown to treat each other, and our planet, better.  In later chapters, Grille is very specific in outlining what parenting for a peaceful world looks like.

This book made a huge impact on me, not only in terms of convincing me beyond a doubt that parenting is the most important work on Earth, but also in forever de-bunking any belief I had left in "the good old days" when it comes to raising kids.  PPPW taught me that our kids today (some of them, at least) are truly on the cutting edge, the best nurtured kids ever. 

We have the opportunity, each day, to give our kids the best our parents gave us, plus more, including all the benefits of 3+ decades of research about the positive, life-long effects of strong early attachment.  And if you believe Robin Grille (which I do)--and if you can tolerate the grousings of grandparents and other folks who yearn for a better time when adults were more in charge--you can make the world a better place.

So naturally, in starting a blog about the practice of spanking kids, I wanted to hear what Robin Grille had to say!  Below are my questions, followed by his responses.

1. As a parent, do you spank?  Not a chance.

2. Why or why not?  Are you kidding?  I couldn’t bring myself to hit my child.  The thought turns my stomach.  Anyway: what on Earth for?  What advantage could there possibly be?

3. Why do you think parents hit their kids?  Mostly because they were hit themselves, when they were children.  When you are hit as a child, you deal with the pain and hurt by learning to desensitize yourself from the experience.  The more we are desensitized to our own feelings, the less we can feel our children’s pain.  Also, when we and our friends and siblings are hit as children, violence appears to be ‘normal’.  It then feels acceptable to pass it on.  Very often parents hit their kids because they have not had role modeling for effective ways to assert necessary boundaries with children.  There is probably no more useless tool for boundary setting than a smack.  If you smack for ‘discipline’, then the moment you turn your back…….


4. What's the one thing you wish more parents knew--and/or would do differently--when it comes to disciplining their children?
Three things, not one:

First:  If we want our children to listen to us, then first we need to hear them. What I mean here, is to hear and validate their feelings.  When children feel heard, they are far more likely to listen to us and to want to behave respectfully.  Respect is earned through respect.

Second:  Children respond better when we show our feelings, appropriately and openly.  Emotions, when appropriately and congruently expressed, are what connect us to one another.We want our children’s empathy, not their obedience.

Third:  Every so often, natural consequences are needed-–as a last resort.  This is the opposite of punishment.  For instance: ‘if you keep hitting your little brother, I will need to separate you’.  But most of the time, when communication is strong, consequences like these are not necessary.

5. What do you imagine the world would be like if no adult ever hit a child?
The research on this issue is very, very strong.  If no parent ever hit a child, the world would be a significantly less violent place.  Crime, domestic violence and international conflict would be reduced.  But this alone is not enough, because there are other causes of violence.  Powerful causes include breaks in attachment in early childhood, shaming at home or at school (this is probably worse than hitting), and sexual abuse.




NOTE:  The USA edition of Grille's second book, Heart to Heart Parenting, is due out later this year.  It contains a new, more powerful, chapter about "discipline." 

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

You Can Never Tell!




We were having a big family talk.  It was about teasing.  Specifically, it was about my younger child teasing my older child, and about how teasing hurts.  As we're having the talk, and my husband is telling the younger child about how her words and tone hurt her brother's feelings, she played around with the sofa cushion.  The older one interrupted:  "How can you even tell she's concentrating?  She's not even listening to what you're saying."

And I said, "That's the hard part about using your words.  You can't tell.  You can't tell if someone is listening, if they care, if they're going to change because of what you say.  That's what's so nice about hitting--you can tell, right away, that the other person hurts.  But with words, you can't tell."

That "not being able to tell" applies to parents, too.  Especially when we're hoping, trying, expecting to change our kid's behavior.   There are times when I am SO envious of spanking parents.  I wish I had a sure-fire way to get my child's attention and to make an impact.  Now.  Spanking looks like the way. 

Except I know that it's not.

I know that lots of folks believe in spanking as a disciplinary tool.  Why, just today, I spoke with a woman who recounted scenes of her father, who, although he had a very long fuse, would sometimes lose his temper and spank his kids.  She said, "And he didn't stop at ten, or whatever it is you're supposed to do.  But every time, I deserved it."  I'm fine with her believing that, even if I don't.

Spanking LOOKS LIKE it works.  On the outside.  And in the short term.  But you can't tell what it's doing on the inside.  Research shows, for example, that kids who are spanked feel angry and vengeful, not remorseful.  Not spanking LOOKS LIKE it doesn't work.  But you never can tell what's going on on the inside.   Except if you can wait the additional time--minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, even--to see a kid change his/her own behavior, without having been hit.

Monday, July 5, 2010

"'Time Outs' Don't Work"


Sometimes when people talk about spanking kids, they say they need to do so, because "Time Outs don't work."  As if there were only two choices.

"Time Out" is usually a place--a chair, a room, a corner.  When a child is "misbehaving," a caretaker can tell the child to go this place.  Sometimes it's a break, a place to slow down.  And sometime it's a punishment.  One minute per year is one general rule for an amount of time for a child to spend in "Time Out."  After that, the child is welcome to re-join the activity, the class, the family.


If you say that "Time Out" doesn't work, I will ask you to define "work."  What I think people mean is that telling a child to go to "Time Out" doesn't result in the child becoming instantly and enduringly obedient.  My belief is that a child rarely becomes instantly obedient, because there's something else getting in the way.  "It" could be a physical state, like hunger, over-excitement, fatigue, or a strong emotion.  If a child is speaking with his/her behavior and an adult tells the child to go sit somewhere, hoping that will instill a life lesson, it's hardly surprising that it doesn't work.  By the time a kid is doing "Time Out"-worthy behavior, "Time Out" will serve only as a temporary intervention.  What the child probably really needs is the meal, the quiet, the hug, and/or the pillow.  It amuses me--in an odd way, of course--that some/most adults instead think it's time to start whacking.  

As if.


You can best teach life lessons to kids without spanking, and it takes time.  It takes repetition, and the repetition needs to happen in calm moments.  The calmness means that there's room to think, to take in.  Totally different situation than when it's time to go sit in "Time Out."

Thursday, July 1, 2010

If I Were In Charge of the World


If I were in charge of the world, no adult would ever hit a child.  That's why I'm starting this blog.  My intention is for it to be a place to become conscious, articulate, and deliberate about the ways we attempt to influence our children, and to choose the very best means for doing so.  I am certain that hitting is not among the best ways.

Spanking is a huge part of American parenting culture.  It has a long, entrenched history.  Occasionally, I meet someone who expresses surprise that I have never spanked my kids.  "Really?  Never?," they say.  I love it when that happens, because I know I am in a moment of inviting someone to question something they've always taken for granted as truth.

So if you don't spank your kids, you are welcome here.  If you do spank your kids--and you're either ambivalent about it or absolutely convinced that it's the best way--you are welcome here.  If YOU were spanked--and either believe it was horrible or exactly what made you the amazing adult you are today--same to you.  I have a lot to say on this topic, and I would love to hear from you.