You Can Never Tell!

We were having a big family talk.  It was about teasing.  Specifically, it was about my younger child teasing my older child, and about how teasing hurts.  As we're having the talk, and my husband is telling the younger child about how her words and tone hurt her brother's feelings, she played around with the sofa cushion.  The older one interrupted:  "How can you even tell she's concentrating?  She's not even listening to what you're saying."

And I said, "That's the hard part about using your words.  You can't tell.  You can't tell if someone is listening, if they care, if they're going to change because of what you say.  That's what's so nice about hitting--you can tell, right away, that the other person hurts.  But with words, you can't tell."

That "not being able to tell" applies to parents, too.  Especially when we're hoping, trying, expecting to change our kid's behavior.   There are times when I am SO envious of spanking parents.  I wish I had a sure-fire way to get my child's attention and to make an impact.  Now.  Spanking looks like the way. 

Except I know that it's not.

I know that lots of folks believe in spanking as a disciplinary tool.  Why, just today, I spoke with a woman who recounted scenes of her father, who, although he had a very long fuse, would sometimes lose his temper and spank his kids.  She said, "And he didn't stop at ten, or whatever it is you're supposed to do.  But every time, I deserved it."  I'm fine with her believing that, even if I don't.

Spanking LOOKS LIKE it works.  On the outside.  And in the short term.  But you can't tell what it's doing on the inside.  Research shows, for example, that kids who are spanked feel angry and vengeful, not remorseful.  Not spanking LOOKS LIKE it doesn't work.  But you never can tell what's going on on the inside.   Except if you can wait the additional time--minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, even--to see a kid change his/her own behavior, without having been hit.